i'm a negativity sponge

i'm feeling immense pressure from having to juggle work, play and school. my mum's new business ventures have thrown more burden into the bags of obligation i'm already shouldering, and with progress in my school work consequently stalled, i feel that every breath that i draw chokes me. i start having to make up excuses for not meeting deadlines. in doing so, i deliberately breed procrastination, and my conscience spares me no mercy for that.

mentally, i am beginning to crumble. the only saving grace is that in 3 weeks, i won't have to go to school anymore, although when that happens, i would have no excuse to escape being a slave for my family business. the state of my physical health is also deteriorating, no thanks to the frequent boozing and obsessive smoking. i am turning into an emotional wreck, and my temper is beginning to worsen. nowadays, i realize that my fuse lights up for even the most trivial of matters, and the worst part of that is the ease with which i find fuel for the fire. the angst and anxiety is piling up, and nobody seems to either know or care about it. sometimes, i think maybe i'm actually subconsciously attempting to implode. when that happens, i know i'll definitely be alone. the signs are obvious. i can't stand people; people can't stand me. being alone can't be as bad as it sounds. at least it's much better than having to put up with other people's crap. crap like expectations, criticism, advice, sympathy, mockery, hypocrisy, or naivety - from which none i abstain, therefore being alone would also protect the people from me, probably.

a new phase of life is beckoning, and entailing it are promises of a better tomorrow. i, however, have too much thought on today to even wonder about the future. this hectic pace of life is killing me, while people around me nonchalantly advise me to "get used to it, life's like that". that reminds me of an episode on national geographic where they showed the lives of salmon - struggle to grow up, then work yourself upstream to fuck and die. besides the fact that we also fuck while growing and working, we basically share the same destiny.

sometimes i wonder how, with our seemingly superior intelligence, we manage to simplify the most complex of tasks, and yet complicate the most basic of issues. i hope i live to see the end of this fucked up world. i'll probably be one of the very few who'll greet it with a smile. until that happens, let's just hold our breaths, close our eyes, and start thinking of clear blue skies and butterflies.

sick and tired

of working for nothing, although it's within my role as a "filial" son.
of watching bubbles of promise pop in my face.
of meeting project deadlines by sacrificing precious sleep and freedom.
of the crippling effects of procastination and delegation.
of watching time and money flow through my grasp like fine sand.
of using the school's internet connection for everything but schoolwork.
of postponing or cancelling plans for last minute cockups.
of having so many ideas to blog about, but eventually forgetting to.
of compromising and forsaking my dreams for others.
of burying pride and passion with priorities and obligations.
of building castles in the clouds, only to watch it all fall down as rain.
of drinking from golden fountains in the company of loneliness.
of chasing white dragons in a trip out of reality.
of feeling sick and tired.